irony house

It’s that time again, folks. We live in a state — but did you know other people live in states as well? Even if you did know that, WHICH I BET YOU DIDN’T, you still need this handy little primer to the other states of the Union.

1. Montana
INITIAL THOUGHTS: Big Sky State. Sounds kind of cool, right?
WRONG!: There is nothing there but cows. Cows and dead cows and 14-year-old drivers.
ALSO: Wheat. I have some wheat from Montana. But that’s all they have there, really, it’s boring.
AND: Glaciers. They also have glaciers in a park and a huge amount of space and an enormous border over to Canada and hypothermia.

2. California
INITIAL THOUGHTS: Oh man I’m so way too cool for California. I will now generically hate on Southern California for being generic. I exude waves of mediocre dislike.
WRONG!: California is too cool for you. Do you know why Southern California is superficial? Because California is so WONDERFUL that NO ONE THINKS everyone just ENJOYS LIFE ALL THE TIME.
AND HOW: Enjoying life usually occurs by injecting your face with botox and your boobs with silicone, didn’t you know?
SERIOUSLY: It’s like California is the only place that remembers that appearances matter
SAN FRANCISCO: Did you ever wonder why Lindsay Lohan isn’t vomiting on the floor of Chez Panisse?

3. New Mexico
WHAT THE HELL: Is in New Mexico? All I know about it is something I read in an in-flight magazine that was about red sauce and green sauce on tacos.
RED SAUCE: sucks
GREEN SAUCE: is the man
LET’S ALL: move to New Mexico and eat tacos

4. Massachoosetts
INITIAL THOUGHTS: Oh what a quaint little state full of quaint clam chowder and picturesque revolutionaries jolly good
WRONG!: Boston is full of sorrow and overachievement.
CRAP I FORGOT THAT: Leah and Ben are both from Massachusetts never mind

5. Iowa
INITIAL THOUGHTS: Hmm, I guess there’s corn in Iowa, and probably some more cows, and hey, my grandfather went to school there. (frealz.)
WRONG!: No, actually, there’s no swift reversal. It’s true. My grandfather went to school there.
IS IT BETTER THAN RHODE ISLAND: No.
THIS IS STATE IS SO BORING THAT: I can’t think of anything else to say

6. West Virginia
FULL OF: Food Lions and Wal Marts.
ONCE I: went to West Virginia and went to a Food Lion and bought juice and the lady at the cash register told me that someone had bought groceries with a counterfeited $50 bill.
ERGO: West Virginia is full of meth addicts with nothing to do except forge $50 bills and take them TO A FOOD LION FOR CHRIST’S SAKE WHAT ABOUT THE GAP?!

Now you know all about the states! Stay tuned for next week’s installment: PLANET ROUNDUP.