irony house

Like a zen koan, the question shines a light on the deepest recesses of our personas, prodding us to enlightenment: “Which would you rather give up for the rest of your life: cheese or oral sex?” However, there are so many nuances to the question that I believe it Right and Proper that we should establish a set of Standard Rules governing the asking of this question. I propose the following criteria:

1. The question only refers to giving up the receipt of cheese or oral sex, not its production. We hold this truth to be self-evident because if the provision of oral sex were denied by partner A to partner B resultant to A’s choice to give up oral sex, a negative externality would be created, reducing the impact of B’s choice on the same question, since B will no longer be receiving oral sex from A in any case. Likewise with homemade cheese.
2. Vegans are right out. I don’t know what the vegan equivalent of cheese is, but until someone offers a satisfactory food product which is ubiquitous among the vegans and which many of them would be hard-pressed to forgo, it is patently unfair to offer the choice between giving up something they’ve already given up and giving up something deemed Good and Virtuous.
3. Okay, well I can only think of two important nuances, but lists look better with three or more points.
4. Wait…I thought of a fourth one: substantially cheese-like products such as quajada and that nacho sauce are included in the category of cheese and therefore verboten to those who choose to give up cheese.

Therefore, BE IT RESOLVED, that these four Statutes constitute the Standard Rules of the question of Cheese or Oral Sex, adopted by the Assembly this, the 25th day of July in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eight.

I move the previous question.